Two Minutes….

Time is a tricky thing. Sometimes it flows seamlessly and every minute makes sense and every hour is what you imagined. Other times, it stalls completely. Making you stop and stare into space, and wonder how it is still not lunch time at work – can I get an amen. And then, there is time in your life where it does the opposite of slow down. It’s as if you blink and years fly by. You grasp to make them slow down and hold your breath because, surely, if you aren’t breathing, time cannot continue at its current speed.

I’m never sure what to do when time speeds by me. I’m never sure how to handle the speed at which it can fly by. How do you slow something down that, technically, is always moving at the same speed?

Today is one of those days that feels like the blink of an eye. It’s the Bug’s birthday. He is two today. TWO. T.W.O. When I reflect on this, I am positive that there has been a break in the space/time continuum and the passage of time in respect to my specific life – because the world revolves around me and my family, of course – is not moving correctly. It must be fixed, it must be figured out and corrected so that I can slow it down (except when it comes to lunch time, carry on time/speed warp). If you were to ask the Bug how old he is today, he would promptly tell you six. You would then proceed to tell him that his brother is going to be six in November, not him. As you ask him, again, how old he is going to be; he will look at you, smile, and then say two minutes. It melts my heart. every. single. time.

People, come on. Come. On. This kid has no idea how true that it is. I swear I just packed a bag for the hospital. Also, I still feel terrified because I needed to have something that rhymes with smea-smection. It wasn’t fun, but boy am I glad it was available. Saved little Bugs life. Thinking back it really does seem like a short amount of time. The truth of the matter is, that some days it feels like it has been exactly two minutes since he was born – side bar: some days it feels like a lot more than two minutes, but it’s his birthday so we won’t talk about those days right now.

I cannot really explain the time warp that is parenting. I can’t figure out how some days seem never ending, yet some seem like they never happened. I can’t explain this phenomenon, but what I can tell you is that I am going to celebrate because even though my brain is having a hard time computing the passage of time, the Bug is two today. And, that, is pretty wonderful! We are going to smile and laugh. Eat donuts and have cake. Open presents and listen to stories. And when I kiss him goodnight tonight, even though it has already been two years, I’ll pray that the next ones won’t feel like two minutes.

 

20 quick steps to killing it as a parent…

1. Get caught up at work, leave later than anticipated.
2. Get stuck in traffic.
3. Pick kids up at daycare slightly later than usual.
4. Kid’s current hunger level = Could eat.
5. Drive to the grocery store.
6. Kid’s current hunger level, now that they have seen food = Could eat a lot.
7. Rush through the store and get milk, ingredients for dinner, and ice cream because…#supermom!
8. Kid’s current huger level = Asking for food every two minutes whilst saying how hungry they are.
9. Grab a loaf of French bread as an impulse buy on the way to the checkout because…#bread
10. Blood sugar crashes while in the store – start to feel dizzy and slightly faint.
11. Fumble through checkout.
12. Take kids and food to the car.
13. Kid’s current hunger level = literally licking the shopping cart handle.
14. Take the entire end of the French loaf and stuff it in my mouth in an attempt not to pass out on the short drive home.
15. Share some bread with the kids because…#fair
16. Get home and start making dinner.
17. Continue to feed myself and the kids bread the entire time I make dinner. Plus I added butter so….#winning.
18. Kid’s current hunger level = continual bread. #Satiated.
19. Serve dinner, meatball sandwiches, because #health #whole30
20. Kid’s current hunger level = NOT hungry, their stomachs are literally full of bread.

Oh well, ice cream for dessert.

You have GOT to leave your children..

So, there went June, did it hit you in the head on its way out? Nope, just me? Okay, well never mind, I’ll just be over here icing my head while I try to figure out how it is only 24 weeks until Christmas. Sweet Baby Jesus (literally) where is the time going? The summer is half over, we haven’t even been to the pool yet. #parentfail

Anyway, June, gone. Here is the thing, June was really busy for us. I know, its busy for everyone, but I have a point. In June I had to go to a conference for work. It was in town, so I was commuting each day, but it was early mornings and late nights and my husband was a rock star. Did I mention that? He watched our children, fed them, clothed them, got them to school every day AND I came home to a clean house at the end of the week. #dadskillingit

So between that week and the busyness that is life in 2017 (ugh, half-way over 2017) I feel like I barely saw my children. And, here comes the shocker. I missed my kiddos. I. Missed. Them. A. Lot. #what

Here is the thing, sometimes I wish that I could catch a break from my kids. I know, don’t tell them. I don’t want to break from them permanently, I love them. But, you know it’d be nice to just have a plethora of funds so that anytime I want to go for a run or needed to  run an errand, or; you know, go to the bathroom alone I could ring the nanny and she would materialize in front of me and then poof off I’d go to do my business. But, as we all know for most of us this is not the case. (For those of you that do not relate to this, I would be glad to take any nanny off your hands at your expense so you can experience this and lament with the rest of us parents) #broke

However, this past month I got those little breaks. One in the form of a conference where I was up early and home late and so it was small kisses and quick bedtime stories and the second a night away with my husband. #grandparentsforthewin

Here is what I found out. I missed my kids like crazy. All of sudden, I wasn’t frustrated or exhausted by them. They weren’t messy or dirty or needy. They were these cute little angelic beings that just wanted to cuddle and make cookies and go to bed the first time I asked. It was amazing. #winning

I thought about them more that week and weekend then I had in a long time. I just wanted to spend time with them. I vowed never to be on my phone again in front of them. *this promise was promptly broken* They were just so cute and loving and adorable and my little heart needed their little hearts desperately. #mushymom

It was in this moment that I realized why everyone tells you not to lose date night. It’s not a suggestion, it is a necessity. Fellow moms (and dads) we need time away from our children. You need time to regroup, to breathe, to love like them again. I didn’t even realize how bad I needed it until I finally had it. I love my children, but getting a short break from them may have saved their my life. In the midst of a busy month I was able to get a little bit of breathing room and it helped me gain a perspective that I desperately needed. #perspective

So, suggestion to all my fellow parental units. LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN. Not alone, unless of appropriate age (6 years, 140 days, 12 hours, 50 mins for us, but who’s counting), but leave them nonetheless. Ask a grandparent, a sibling, a friend, a young teenager who you don’t know that well but you found on Nextdoor, anyone you trust; to watch your children; and then run. Maybe not literally run, but go shopping, go out to dinner, heck go through a drive through, but quietly. It doesn’t matter what, the point is, just go. You can go read a book or drink finish a hot cup of coffee. #lifegoals

Now, I know it isn’t always easy to find someone to watch your children, so this is where us other parents need to come into play. Find a single parent or a couple in your neighborhood, or school, or church, and offer to watch their kids. Just once, for a night or an hour or two on a weekend. Allow them to drop those kiddos off and not worry about them. You can get 350 ready to fill water balloons at Costco right now. Pick those up and the kids will be fine for at least 10 mins. I have no idea what you should do with them the rest of the time, maybe pretend you are looking for towels, but you’ll figure it out. Just entertain them any way that is possible so that their parent(s) get a moment to fall in love with them again. Give them the chance to miss them. I promise they will come back so excited to see those kids, they may just return the babysitting favor. And, all you had to do was pick up 10,000 pieces of water balloons out of your yard. That is no big deal for the sanity of another parent. It is totally worth it. Because of everyone in the world, no one gets this crazy parenting thing like another parent. So let’s help each other leave our children. The world will probably be a safer better place because of it. #icanbabysit

Back when I was a great mom….

Do you know what the hardest part about being a mom is? The kids. Before I had kids I was an amazing parent. No, seriously, I was incredible. Do you know that I never yelled at my kids before they existed. I was never frustrated with them. You should have seen my patience at a restaurant. Kids loved me. I was the type of parent that never got mad, never yelled, got down on the floor and played with my kids, and would never, and I mean never, ignore my kids whilst looking on my phone. And, not once, did my kid ever throw a fit in public. NOT ONCE. One might even say I was the perfect parent. Supermom. Even though we all know she is just an illusion.

However, somewhere along the lines, some time after I had kids I lost so much of what made me a great mom back then. The truth is I do lose my patience at restaurants. I do get frustrated. I do yell. I’m not proud of these things, but they are true. The thing is back before I had children I was way better prepared for them. I had anticipated every situation and knew exactly how I would respond should I ever find myself in said situation. I had spent a lot of time figuring out exactly how to talk to my child and handle them so that I wouldn’t yell, or get frustrated, or lose my temper.

So, what the hell happened?

To the night you don’t ask me to

I worked a long day. I fought a headache for the record books. The bug was already in bed when I got home. I snuck in his room to hold him close and say goodnight, but he was all ready for bed. I hate I didn’t get to see him. It was 7 and I hadn’t eaten dinner. I ate hotdogs, while the Basher completed mazes next to me. I was tired and we didn’t talk much. I asked him to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. I tucked him in and said goodnight. I left his room. I started laundry and heard him calling me. I didn’t want to go. I have things to do. I’m too tired. I already put him bed. I went anyway.

His said his lips hurt. I gave him chapstick. I put him back in bed. He asked me to stay. I sighed. I didn’t want to. I have stuff to do. It doesn’t matter if I stay this time right? He told me we didn’t get to spend much time together today, so would I lie down and cuddle with him. I said no, but I got into his bed anyway. I couldn’t really say no to that. I wrapped my arms around him because he won’t always ask me to. He didn’t talk. He usually talks. I didn’t talk, or scold, or sigh. I just held him. Held him and prayed. I stayed and I held him and let him know that I love him. Only this time I didn’t say it, I showed it to him. I finally got up to leave.

He looked up at me as I left. Mom, thanks for staying with me tonight. Of course, I said, I love you. I almost didn’t stay?!? It meant so much that I did. I hope he remembers this. I hope I remember this. I hope he remembers that his mom stayed with him. I hope he knows I’ll always stay.

The days are long sometimes. I feel the hours like weights. I get to the end of the day and I wonder how much more I have to give. I wasn’t sure if it really mattered if I stayed tonight. Was he just avoiding bedtime? It happens. But, he asked me to, so I stayed.  I showed him in that small moment how important he was to me. And, I know that someday these nights won’t happen and I am not prepared to say goodbye to them.  Some nights it seems like there isn’t enough. But, sometimes I have to stay anyway.  I can hold him because he asked me to. I’m so thankful for these moments that remind me about the importance of being a mom. His mom. I try to stop more often, but sometimes I get caught up and feel like I can’t stay. But today, even though I was tired and had other things to do, I stayed. I stayed and held him, because some night, he won’t ask me to.

 

Where my moms at?

 

The other day I was in the holy city of moms, err….parents, err….humans. That’s right I’m talking about Target. I was literally in there for a hot second. I know that may seem impossible, but it was late; I only had four things to get – it would have been five, but I forgot one – and most importantly I was alone. As in, no kids. I know take a minute to let that sink in. So I was enjoying my little vacation getting my few things when I left the store and COULD. NOT. REMEMBER. WHERE. I. PARKED. Like at all. I walked around the parking lot for what seemed like an eternity. I went down three or four different lanes before I found my car. People, I was in the Target for like 15 minutes and in that short time frame I couldn’t remember where I left my car. When I finally found my car I just sat there and thought. I’m totally blaming this on motherhood. Then I started thinking what else can we blame on parenting. Here is my list so far, if you have more leave them in the comments. Please. Where are my other moms at?

And then….Spring

Yesterday was the first day of Spring.

Do you know what is wonderful about Spring?

It ALWAYS follows Winter.

ALWAYS.

For me, Spring is the promise of new things. Spring is when the dormant, the dead, the lost becomes alive. It is when flowers bloom and trees come to life after months of slumber. Winter is raw and cold and dark. Spring is light and warm and new. Spring is faithful. Spring is hopeful. Spring is HERE.

Sometimes life seems so much like winter. It is dark and cold and raw. Sometimes things happen and Winter seems overwhelming and it bares down on you in a way that is hard to comprehend. But, no matter the darkness of Winter, Spring is only a few sunrises away.

little…

little hand in mine
toddling next to me

little fingers grasping
holding tight so you can see

little words start forming
a new world to comprehend

little mind exploring
learning every odd and end

little lips for kisses
loving all you know

little less dependent
discovering as you grow

little arms so trusting
balancing on the move

little legs for walking
moving toward what’s new

little feet in my footsteps
following what you see

little toes to balance
taking steps as fast can be

little movements of your own
confidence you can stand

little steps toward freedom
letting go of my big hand

little growing boy
getting bigger everyday

little tear slips down my cheek
as i watch you walk away

Finding Focus in the Blur

Ugh, it’s been a month since I wrote. I’d like to say it’s because I lost my computer, or I cured a disease, or I wrote a novel. That’s a good one, let’s go with that. I was working on my book. Sorry to disappoint; I’m trying to be better.

Actually, somewhere in between starting a new job and Christmas and family and life, this just didn’t seem very important.

I know, I know. GASP. Don’t worry it is. I just couldn’t see it. It got lost in the blur. Things were just whizzing by so fast and I wasn’t sure how to stop or get off the carousel. Things were so blurry I couldn’t focus on anything. I guess December is always a little bit like that, maybe because of Christmas. I love Christmas. I love every part of it. The decorations, the cheesiness, the music, the food, the family, the gifts, the Jesus. Every. Single. Part. I love them. All of them. But, somehow every year I feel like it goes by so quickly. I feel prepared and see it clearly coming, but then it goes by so fast I feel like I missed it.  Like driving past a sign. You can see the sign clearly in the distance, but then as you pass it, you can’t read it. I’m always surprised by this though. I mean, it is the same day every year; December 25th, in case you don’t celebrate it, and yet, every year it hits me like an unexpected gust of wind. And then, just like that, it’s gone. Over, like it never happened.

This is how I feel every year, and so when January hits I am exhausted and confused and a little bit sad that it is over. And, this is why I have to remind myself to look at the moon.

One of my favourite things about the moon is how when you look up at a big huge moon in the sky it’s so bright it’s blurry. You can’t really see it. But, then something amazing happens. The longer you look at it the more into focus it becomes. All of sudden the brightness illuminates lines and craters and depth. It’s amazing. I love it. Now, I don’t remember if this has always happened or if my eyesight is just not as good anymore, but, I never get tired of seeing the moon slowly coming into focus the longer I look at it.

I often feel like life is like that. It’s blurry. Sometimes its blurry because it’s too bright, sometimes it’s too dark. And, sometimes it is just moving too fast. Seeing the moon come into focus reminds me that I can find focus in those blurry moments. If I look long enough the importance of life, the things that really matter, come into focus. Sometimes in the blur I forget to focus on the important things because so much is happening around me, but whenever I see the moon it reminds me of the things that I want my focus to be on.

As I think back and try to focus on the last month I realize that the longer I look the more all the amazing things come into view. Like the fact that the Hubs and I celebrated 10 years. And, get this; we still want to be together. That is something to focus on. Like starting a new job that I love and all the change that entails.  Like focusing  on the friends that we have spent so much time with and the memories of cookie baking and ‘the annual christmas movie watching where we don’t end up watching christmas movies party.’ I think about spending time with family: parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and how much they all mean to me. I focus on spending Christmas morning with two little boys that were so excited. I focus on when Basher told me he didn’t need to write a letter to Santa or tell me what he wanted for Christmas because he would be thankful for anything that he got. (I know melt my heart!) I focus on good people and the good food that brought us together. I focus on the laughter and magic and the amazement of the last month of changes that our family has gone through and I am just in awe at the brightness of my life and the focus that comes with it.

I think in life bringing the blurriness into focus is one of the hardest things we can do – it just isn’t easy when life is moving so fast. And, life moves fast. You blink and a whole month has gone by, even if the days seemed unscientifically long. So often I catch myself thinking, ‘how is it already 2017?’ I don’t want to always be looking back to find the focus. I want to focus during each moment that I am in. In the upcoming year I hope to stop and focus more intently on what is happening now. I want to notice all the little things that are so important to me, not after they have happened and I am thinking back at the last month, but as they are happening. I’m sure I will fail at this time and again. I know as a mom there are times when I can’t wait for this moment to be over, blur or not. And, focusing too much might cause a rip in the matrix. But, maybe, just maybe for the next year I can focus on focusing and I will see things that I never have before. I’m kind of excited about that.