I worked a long day. I fought a headache for the record books. The bug was already in bed when I got home. I snuck in his room to hold him close and say goodnight, but he was all ready for bed. I hate I didn’t get to see him. It was 7 and I hadn’t eaten dinner. I ate hotdogs, while the Basher completed mazes next to me. I was tired and we didn’t talk much. I asked him to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. I tucked him in and said goodnight. I left his room. I started laundry and heard him calling me. I didn’t want to go. I have things to do. I’m too tired. I already put him bed. I went anyway.
His said his lips hurt. I gave him chapstick. I put him back in bed. He asked me to stay. I sighed. I didn’t want to. I have stuff to do. It doesn’t matter if I stay this time right? He told me we didn’t get to spend much time together today, so would I lie down and cuddle with him. I said no, but I got into his bed anyway. I couldn’t really say no to that. I wrapped my arms around him because he won’t always ask me to. He didn’t talk. He usually talks. I didn’t talk, or scold, or sigh. I just held him. Held him and prayed. I stayed and I held him and let him know that I love him. Only this time I didn’t say it, I showed it to him. I finally got up to leave.
He looked up at me as I left. Mom, thanks for staying with me tonight. Of course, I said, I love you. I almost didn’t stay?!? It meant so much that I did. I hope he remembers this. I hope I remember this. I hope he remembers that his mom stayed with him. I hope he knows I’ll always stay.
The days are long sometimes. I feel the hours like weights. I get to the end of the day and I wonder how much more I have to give. I wasn’t sure if it really mattered if I stayed tonight. Was he just avoiding bedtime? It happens. But, he asked me to, so I stayed. I showed him in that small moment how important he was to me. And, I know that someday these nights won’t happen and I am not prepared to say goodbye to them. Some nights it seems like there isn’t enough. But, sometimes I have to stay anyway. I can hold him because he asked me to. I’m so thankful for these moments that remind me about the importance of being a mom. His mom. I try to stop more often, but sometimes I get caught up and feel like I can’t stay. But today, even though I was tired and had other things to do, I stayed. I stayed and held him, because some night, he won’t ask me to.
thecaptivemother 